i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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