Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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