6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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