ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
