summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
