My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
