Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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