My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You smell like stripper and shame
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
