all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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