I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
