i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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