I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
