What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Randomize
