my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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