You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
