Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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