And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
