If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
