dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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