RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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