You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
