my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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