i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
