Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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