they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
