she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
