Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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