It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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