Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
