My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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