First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
