i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
