I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
