Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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