As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
