I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
