My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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