My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
