Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
