after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
