If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
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