are you so shy because you have an std?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
