Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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