Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
