i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
