Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
