Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Let's paint friendship bongs
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
