what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
we should paint friendship bongs
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