My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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