OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
