Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
nutella sex= disaster
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
