I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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